Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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