peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
