a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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