well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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