i don't plan on having that self control this summer
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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