I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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