Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
