thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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