Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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