I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
