Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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