I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
