I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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