I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
