Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
