You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You are the jesus of drinking
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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