when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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