you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Is that strawberry winking at me??
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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