I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
