So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
