Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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