Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
