The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You ruined the universe
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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