I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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