why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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