just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I AM VODKA MAN
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
