"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
