Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I need moral support for this bender
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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