I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
