I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
this is an emotional support booty call
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
