i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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