Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
