I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
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