dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
