I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
