I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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