Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
