I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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