Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
