i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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