I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
