The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
