I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
