Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
