she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
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