Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
