i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
