i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
