If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
