my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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