you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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