Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
