Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize