i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
