when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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