There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
