On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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