He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
